If you’re a parent, you know that your children can begin giving you grief about what they wear at a very young age. Many times, the battle continues until they grow up and move out. What’s a parent to do to calm the clothing clash? It depends upon their ages.

Persnickety Preschoolers

It starts innocently enough. One day, you’re getting your toddler dressed and she tells you that her tag itches. The accommodating parent thinks it’s no big deal and cuts the tag off. The scenario, however, is repeated daily and worsens. The child begins to complain about zippers and snaps and other petty issues related to how the clothes feel.

According to one expert, it’s not a good idea to cater to their every whim. “Once you start doing it, it becomes a continuous problem,” said Dr. David Clarke, Ph.D., author, speaker and psychologist. “I would suggest that you tell them to get over it because there are no perfect clothes. You have no time or energy for those battles. It takes time, but you need to win those battles.”

Dr. Clarke adds that to give them a sense of control, you can offer them a choice between two outfits. “If they say no to both, then the parent has to win and make the choice for them,” said Clarke, who has a private practice in Tampa.

Another suggestion is to decide what your child will wear the night before. “That way you can fight at night instead of the morning,” Dr. Clarke added tongue in cheek.

The same goes for when your child gives you trouble while fixing his or her hair. “Don’t show emotion. Don’t interact. You may give them a choice, but if they scream or say it looks stupid, say it’s too bad and leave it at that,” said the father of four, ages 13 to 22.

The children’s counselor at Tampa Jewish Family Services agrees. “Be consistent. Let your no mean no. If you give in once, then they remember that. Stay calm. If you are in a power struggle, showing emotion can make some children feel powerful when they get the parent angry,” said Lydia Abrams, a licensed clinical social worker. “Praise your child when he does the right thing – positive reinforcement goes a long way in making them feel good about themselves.”

She adds that you shouldn’t expect too much when you first begin to try something new. “Children will test the new method when they don’t know any other way,” Abrams said. “And do it several times before giving up. The child will see that it’s going to stay that way.”

Abrams suggests telling them about the change ahead of time and what the consequences will be and then following through.

Adolescents Agonizing About Attire

While the clothing battles may not disappear when your kids are older, they will take on a different size and color, figuratively speaking.

One common issue that arises is a preteen’s or teenager’s desire for something that costs far more then you’re willing or able to spend.

Dr. Clark suggests that you tell them your budget and let them know that you’ll pay a given amount and then have them pay the rest – now. “Don’t let them say they’ll pay you back later or you’ll never see the money,” he said. “If they complain they don’t have the money, say, ‘Too bad. Neither do I.’”

Another option is to identify something they want and then give them the opportunity to work for it by doing a series of chores or getting a job and earning the money themselves.
That way they’ll appreciate it more.

“Give them choices of how the money is spent,” said Abrams. “That will teach them about budgeting.”

Seemingly inappropriate attire is the other big issue parents of older children face. Healthy communication is the key here, says Abrams. “Ask a lot of questions. Stay away from having all the answers. Be inquisitive. Validate their feelings,” she said.

Dr. Clarke agrees. “At this age, let them make their own choices, unless it is totally inappropriate,” he said.

The way you handle it changes if you have a girl who wants to dress too scantily.

“Dad needs to come in and discuss it with his daughter and explain the guy’s point of view,” said Dr. Clarke. “Girls don’t see the whole picture. They need to know that they’re more attractive when they’re covered up. Otherwise, you leave nothing to the imagination and it comes off cheap.”

Lydia Abrams has more thoughts. “Pick your battles and provide choices,” she said. “Form a partnership. Sit down together and write a contract so that each party gets what they want.”

“Allowing them to make mistakes is part of the process as well,” said Abrams. “Resist the urge to protect them and give them opportunities to make safe mistakes. And be gentle with yourself – it’s all a learning process. Every child is different. No parent has all the right answers – even the experts make mistakes.”