Football: Say It Right

As a native speaker, you’d think I’d have a basic command of the English language by now. You’d think I could at least pronounce the most common words correctly.

Recently, however, I discovered a profound enunciation error.

I got this unwitting linguistic lesson after telling people (OK, it was actually mostly men, which really doesn’t constitute people per se) what sport my son is playing in high school this year.

Football. (I have used italics in this passage only because I couldn’t find the Red-Blooded American font on my computer.)

Webster’s doesn’t denote it, but the word football should be pronounced with closed eyes, hands instinctively placed over heart and an accompanying memory-highlight reel spinning in the background.

Football. It is uttered with breathless reverence – as if a helmet-clad seraphim placed the word on your tongue like a chocolate on your cheesehead-shaped pillow at the Ritz.

Football. As if a halftime marching band was playing the soundtrack to Sportcenter every time the word was delivered like a gift to your soul.

Football. The sound that escapes from the bubbles of a cocktail of testosterone, adrenaline and Axe served in Gatorade cups.

Football. The refrain on every stanza of Vince Lombardi’s open mic poetry night.

Football. The door chime on the Pearly Gates.

Football. A song, a manly swoon, a hymn.

Please note that this is strictly the masculine form of football. And it’s spoken with an accent that is limited to male speakers.

Female speakers – or more precisely, mothers of high school football players – pronounce the word a little differently.

We tend to wrinkle our noses and gasp while adding some additional characters. Please understand the context for our differing usage. It occurs after our sons climb into our cars after impromptu, two-hour practices with two cubic tons of equipment that has to be washed by tomorrow and we think, “What is that gahd-awful smell?”

The answer?

#$% football.

By Tracey Henry

Henry is a published author whose work can be found at www.suburbandiva.com.