Your Teen in Training
Are argumentative teens just a rite of passage for parents or is something more significant at work?
In their quest for independence and freedom, adolescents often push parents’ boundaries. A new research study in the journal Child Development, however, provides evidence that how teenagers argue and negotiate with parents may be linked to their ability to withstand and negotiate peer pressures outside the home.
In the study a sample of 13-year-old pre-teens was videotaped describing arguments with their parents; their parents’ reactions were also studied. Researchers then interviewed teenagers at age 15 and measured their ability to withstand peer pressure regarding substance use. The researchers noted that how teenagers handled disagreements with parents was related to how they later handled peer pressure later.
More specifically, teenagers who learned to negotiate disagreements with parents using calm, persuasive arguments were also better able to use assertive and clear arguments with peers in subsequent years. On the contrary, teens who shied away from negotiating with parents – or recanted their original positions because they thought there was no point in asserting them – were more likely to succumb to peer pressure later. Essentially, the study found that arguments and discussions with parents can serve as a training ground to help teens become independent thinkers who communicate and assert their positions with friends.
However, not all arguments are conducive to such growth. Arguments with an abundance of yelling whining and lost tempers are less likely to help teens learn to control their emotions and use their critical thinking skills. Also, in order for teens to talk and resolve their differences with their parents, parents have to listen. Parents who rely on a dictatorial style of parenting with minimal communication, support and respect for their child’s point of view can end up stifling the communication process. Parents can then find themselves with an angry and resentful teen, more likely to rebel in unhealthy ways than to negotiate conflicts.
So, parents, next time your children launch a litany of reasons they should be allowed to stay out late, take a deep breath and listen up.
Doing so may protect them from their friends’ self-destructive decisions.
By Maria T. Aranda, Ph.D.
Aranda is a licensed psychologist (#PY5983) who specializes in psychological assessments and child, adolescent, and adult therapy. More information about her can be found at www.helpingtampafamilies.com.
Accepting What We Cannot Change
We all know the prayer.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”
While being brave enough to recognize the importance of tackling self-help projects is a good start, how do we know when to stop and accept what we cannot change?
I have a client who has worked very hard to identify the thoughts in her head that cause her emotional distress. These then lead to unhealthy behaviors, such as emotional eating, procrastinating or self-isolating. She recognizes that telling herself hateful things batters her self-esteem. However, these thought patterns are so deeply ingrained that she cannot seem to shake them.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy teaches how to restructure distorted thoughts into less damaging and more neutral thoughts (not necessarily positive ones). For example, the negative, catastrophizing thought of “what if I lose my job and cannot pay my bills” can be reframed to “right now, I know that I still have my job and I have always been able to figure out a solution for my past challenges.” Logic and facts are used to calm the nerves. But what can you do when changing thoughts doesn’t help and just makes you feel worse?
That is when Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques come in. ACT teaches people to first notice their thoughts and feelings and then to defuse them by becoming an observer of them. This is similar to watching a football game on TV versus playing touch football in your back yard.
Using language, such as “I am having the thought that I am inadequate,” helps you distance yourself from the thought, rather than exhausting yourself trying to get rid of it. This may seem like a small difference, but it has a powerful effect, similar to changing our words to our children from “you were naughty” to “you’re behavior was naughty” has. In the same way, the woman who has failed to shake her self-deprecating thoughts can try instead to accept them by observing them but not getting tangled up in them.
With practice, she may find the serenity to start the New Year off right and keep it going all year long.
By Andrea Friedman, Ph.D.
Friedman is a licensed psychologist and co-owner of Florida Medical Psychology Associates, LLC, at www.flmedpsych.com.
Calling Dr. Right: Finding a Good Psychologist
A parent searching for a psychologist for her daughter recently called. “I don’t even know how to go about finding someone,” she lamented.
Finding a suitable therapist for you or your child can feel daunting. So how do you find a great one?
Your first decision regards insurance. Most health insurance plans provide some type of mental health coverage, but there are pros and cons to using them. Their main benefit is that they help with therapy’s cost. Their most significant disadvantage is your resulting loss of privacy. Insurance companies require certain information be released to them if they are to pay for services. If a family decides to use their insurance, however, they should begin with the company’s list of providers.
Alternatively, the search can be broadened to providers that are not on their insurance panel. If the person in need of services is a child, the child’s school will likely have a list of providers to which staff refers parents. Word of mouth can be helpful; the best sources for finding a good psychologist will be past, happy clients. Although Internet searches can be helpful, be sure to verify information found on the Web.
With a list of possibilities in hand, call the professionals and ask about their past experiences. Specifically inquire about their experiences with the specific issues you’re facing and how comfortable they feel working with them. Do some research. Explore what the standard of care is for the type of problem you are facing. Then ask the psychologist if he or she would employ this type of treatment.
If children are involved, meet with the professional first prior to bringing the child. Whether you are an adult seeking therapy or a parent seeking help for a child, meet with someone else if – after the first session – you did not feel comfortable. There are many types of psychologists available and they have different styles and approaches. It is not enough that they be knowledgeable about your specific issues. The key is to find someone who also listens well and demonstrates an ability to form a comfortable rapport with you or your child.
By Maria T. Aranda, Ph.D.
Aranda is a licensed psychologist (#PY5983) who specializes in psychological assessments and child, adolescent, and adult therapy. More information about her can be found at www.helpingtampafamilies.com.
The Power of Forgiveness
Studies show that offering forgiveness to yourself and others benefits your health.
During Thanksgiving we feel grateful for our blessings. Expressing gratitude, however, can be difficult when we ruminate on hurts and wrongs, yet we’re better off letting these go. As Buddha stated, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.”
Research suggests that people who forgive are less hateful, depressed, hostile, anxious, and angry; they’re more happy, healthy, agreeable, and serene. Forgiving does not mean that you have to restore the relationship with the transgressor, nor does it mean excusing or condoning the behavior. Forgiving is something you do for yourself, not for the person who has wronged you.
Eva Kor’s ability to forgive is especially profound considering that she came to forgive Joseph Mengele, the Nazi doctor who performed medical experiments on her and her sister when they were 10-years-old in Auschwitz. Although freed in January 1945, she carried the burden of pain, anger, and hatred for many years. At the 50th anniversary of Auschwitz’s liberation, she signed a declaration of forgiveness. She later said, “I felt a burden of pain lifted from me. I was no longer in the grip of hate; I was finally free.”
Studies have demonstrated that when forgiveness is taught to those who experienced a variety of offenses (incest survivors, victims of infidelity, children of neglectful parents) it not only results in improved ability to forgive but also less negative emotions, higher self-esteem and more hope.
When practicing forgiveness, consider the following. First, recall when you have been forgiven and explore how you felt, and how and why the other person forgave you. Second, write a letter of forgiveness to someone who hurt you. In the letter, describe the offense and its affect. State what you wish the other person had done, and end with a statement of forgiveness and understanding.
Like the example of Eva Kor, you may find that forgiveness will help you better appreciate all for which you are thankful.
Read more about forgiveness at: The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want by Sonja Lyubomirsky, and http://theforgivenessproject.com/stories/eva-kor-poland/ .
By Andrea Friedman, Ph.D.
Friedman is a licensed psychologist and co-owner of Florida Medical Psychology Associates, LLC, at http://www.flmedpsych.com<./p>
Children with Special Needs in Public School
One of the mandates of public schools is they must provide every student a free, appropriate public education.
Schools must provide one regardless of the nature or severity of a person’s disability. An appropriate education may include regular classes, special educational classes in a separate classroom, or a combination of these. Special education may also include speech, language and occupational therapy. Extra services may even include psychological counseling or behavioral modification strategies in the classroom.
Parents of children with special needs need to understand this information to access available services and programs. First, parents need to begin the process of identifying the special medical, psychological or developmental needs of their child. This identification usually involves an evaluation and documentation of the need by physicians, psychologists or other professionals. This documentation should include the history and nature of the need as well as recommendations regarding the accommodations or services that the child requires. Schools can assist in providing these evaluations, which can include psychological, behavioral, language, physical and occupational evaluations.
Public schools are also adopting a model called Response to Intervention. This is a series of academic interventions aimed at helping a child’s weaknesses in the regular classroom prior to considering special educational services. Many counties, including Hillsborough County, also provide early diagnostic screenings and evaluations for children who are under the age of 5 and who display possible developmental delays. These screenings are performed through Child Find.
Once the evaluations have been completed, school personnel can then decide if special educational services and the developmental of an individualized educational plan (IEP) are needed. If the student is not eligible for special educational services, they may also consider a 504 plan. This is a legal document that provides a child accommodations in the regular classroom. Such academic accommodations can include extended time on tests or a separate room for assessments.
If your student is struggling with unique needs, there are alternatives and solutions. You simply need to take that first step.
By Maria T. Aranda, Ph.D.
Aranda is a licensed psychologist (#PY5983) who specializes in psychological assessments and child , adolescent, and adult therapy. More information about her can be found at www.helpingtampafamilies.com.