Hitchcock Descendant to Film Birds Sequel in Westchase

SATIRICAL NEWS

“The terrifying script pretty much wrote itself,” remarked Alfreda Hitchcock, 21, the great granddaughter of film legend Alfred Hitchcock, of her new Westchase storyline for a modern sequel to her great grandfather’s film, The Birds.

The NYU film student will start shooting the new horror flick in Westchase in June.

“I was inspired by a local news story about turkey vultures invading Westchase and how your HOA courageously confronts them after they begin challenging pets and young children,” said young Hitchcock. “My film starts innocently enough, documenting the idyllic life in a suburban HOA. You know, friendly block parties, helpful neighbors, yoga pants, enthusiastic PTAs, perfectly cut lawns and more yoga pants. Then turkey vultures begin stomping on roofs threateningly and eyeing people through their lanais. And everyone just laughs and downplays it until the turkey vultures carry someone off.” Alfreda paused. “We’re not really sure who will be carried off yet, perhaps a child, a grandmother with a puppy or a smallish US military veteran. You know, something that pulls the heartstrings a little.”

Alfred Hitchcock’s  original 1963 classic The Birds tells the horror story of a California town where birds turn on the residents, injuring and killing some. It ends ominously with the main characters seeking to escape while a horde of birds gather.

The young Hitchcock’s script tells the Westchase-focused backstory of how the turkey vulture population mysteriously and mutantly explodes. “It all begins with some local restaurants occasionally not closing their trash bins.” Hitchcock paused and threw out her arms dramatically. “Then the depths of hell break loose in suburbia! A stoned employee of a Tex Mex joint that specializes in hot sauces throws out a spoiled full container of their hottest hot sauce, called Satan’s Orgy, and a flock of turkey vultures get inside. They consume the hot sauce, start reproducing exponentially and go murderously insane.”

“My sequel is updated of course,” said Alfreda. “We couldn’t include a phone booth scene, for example. So we’ll just have the turkey vultures maim a group of middle schoolers Snapchatting selfies in the West Park Village town center. It’s one of the lighter moments in the movie.”

The film also shows the HOA desperately trying to address the highly dangerous bird horde by trying to scare them off with fireworks. “But then the HOA realizes that fireworks are against their own deed restrictions and they have to send violation letters to themselves. Meanwhile, the HOA’s attorney also gets nowhere trying to deliver cease and desist letters to the turkey vultures because they fly too high. Everything then takes a very dark turn when the turkey vultures start retaliating by dropping the fireworks on residents’ homes.”

Hitchcock, however, declined to give away the film’s ending. “Let’s just say it doesn’t end well.” She concluded with a smile. “The last scene shows the community five years after the collapse of the HOA, when the community has become a dystopian hellscape filled with hungry birds, graduation signs and portable basketball hoops.”

Hitchcock shuddered. “It just gives one the shivers!”

This story is fictional in nature and is intended for entertainment purposes.

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