“Just when you think you’re done with not making up your mind about one important decision – wham! – you’re faced with another,” said Julianne Wilbury of Woodbay.
“As months go, November is just paralyzing,” she added.
Wilbury spent nearly all of October and early November trying to make up her mind about who to vote for in the presidential election.
“On the one hand you have Trump,” she said. “On the other hand, you have Biden. It was a real struggle.”
She began ticking off her options.
“Trump has better hair, but Biden has better teeth. Trump is strong and authoritative but Biden is kind and polite. How do most people make up their minds?”
Her friend and next door neighbor, Cindy Watkins, offered a helpful suggestion. “I think they look at their policies.”
Wilbury chuckled. “No. Really. How do they really decide?”
Wilbury continued. “Trump is a grabber. Biden is a sniffer. I mean, forget it! Is it really too much for a swing voter to want to be held gently and sung to by a man like Rutherford B. Hayes? What has happened to this country?”
Ultimately unable to decide on a candidate in the election, Wilbury spent all of Election Day curled up in the fetal position on her couch. “Apparently I wasn’t the only one having trouble deciding. It took five days for nearly everyone to decide who won but some people still disagree!” she said. “Personally I think it’s because Kanye West actually won Nevada but they couldn’t figure out how to tell us.”
Wilbury now faces the holiday with another paralyzing decision: what to serve for her Thanksgiving meal? “On the one hand, there’s turkey,” she said. “On the other hand, there’s ham. How do people decide these things?”
“Why don’t you just serve turkey like most Americans?” Watkins suggested.
“But ham!” said Wilbury. “Ham!”
“OK, then,” Watkins offered. “Why don’t you make a turkey AND ham and just let your family decide?”
“A third option?” Wilbury’s voice rose. “I couldn’t pick between two options and now you’re adding a third? How does that help me?” Wilbury turned around and fled for her front door.
Watkins appeared flustered. “Look, Julianne, I don’t want to trouble you about anything, so this year, why not just buy me some nice artisenal soap for Christmas?”
Wilbury whirled at the door. “WHAT SCENT?!” she screamed.
And the door slammed.
This story is satirical in nature. It’s not really true and is merely intended for entertainment purposes. For now.