Westchase Squirrel Briefly Wonders if Dashing In Front of Cars Is Best Way to Cross Road

SATIRICAL NEWS

“Look, we’ve always done it this way,” explained the squirrel.

A WOW staff member stopped to interview him after the staffer was forced to slam on his brakes to avoid smushing him, and the squirrel, tail pointed straight into the air in fear, skittered back to the side where he began.

The squirrel declined to provide his name, agreeing to speak to WOW only under deep cover.

“My father and mother. My 12 brothers and sisters. My grandparents. Their parents. And their parents’ parents. My precious squirrel children. All of us,” he said. “Except my aunt, God rest her soul. That’s how we’ve always crossed roads. You wait patiently by the side of the road, carefully looking to the right and to the left. And then, when a car finally comes down the street after you’ve waited to cross the stupid road for like an hour, you still have to wait for the Very. Last. Second.” The squirrel raised his voice. “And then you make a mad dash as fast as your little squirrel legs can carry you, right in front of the tires that are bearing down on you.” The squirrel paused. “If you do it right, you can actually hear the hiss of the tires against the asphalt.” He nodded proudly. “It’s actually a little thrilling, at least when it works out.”

The squirrel looked around and added, “I’ll share with you a little secret. Sacred squirrel family lore, passed down through multiple generations, says squirrels’ highly effective way of road crossing was actually learned from human middle schoolers.”

The squirrel paused. “How can you argue with that? They’re like gods.”

When asked why squirrels just didn’t wait a fraction of a second longer until the car passed, the squirrel’s mouth fell open. “Say! That’s not a bad idea!”

Wishing the squirrel good luck with his new road crossing technique, the WOW staffer got back into his vehicle, threw it in gear and began moving forward.

And the squirrel dashed directly in front of his car, forcing him to slam on his brakes again.

Tail straight in the air, it ran back to the side of the road again. “Have a great day!” the squirrel cried.

By Chris Barrett, Publisher

This article is for entertainment only. WOW staff does not actually have the ability to converse with forest creatures.

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