Westchase Support Group For Post Pandemic Reentry Starts Meeting Weekly

SATIRICAL NEWS

Keswick Forest resident Doug Bleuber stated he has been struggling with reentering into post-pandemic society but a new support group, meeting at the Westchase Swim and Tennis Center, has helped him navigate “normal” life again.

“Let’s face it,” said Bleuber. “We’ve all gotten a little rusty dealing with this whole society thing.”

The group, meeting Thursdays at 7 p.m., is meeting in person but everyone is actually participating by Zoom or phone for now while sitting directly across from each other. “In a couple of weeks,” reported Elizabeth Crispen, the founder of Westchase Radical Reentry and Readjustment, we’ll be ready to put down the screens and actually look each other in the eye.”

“Honestly, after using shopping services for the last 14 months, I was even a little unsure about walking into Target, Publix or Sprouts and successfully picking out the worst produce available to take home,” said Bleuber. “I’d totally got used to a complete stranger doing it for me. But, it turns out, this week one of the group members made a helpful presentation on carelessly shopping for yourself. It was hugely reassuring.”

According to founder Crispen, the Westchase support group plans on tackling the following challenging reentry topics in upcoming meetings:

  • Putting on deodorant and actually getting dressed.
  • Cleaning your home again because someone might visit.
  • Coming up with new excuses to get out of going to the gym or your niece’s piano recital.
  • Successfully judging people for things other than whether they do or do not wear face masks.
  • Applying makeup to your face beneath your eyes.
  • Going to important work meetings and remembering you can’t just flick off the video, yawn loudly, scratch yourself and wander off to get something to eat.
  • Attending seriously boring sports games rather than just sending your cardboard cutout.
  • Accepting that people are shockingly less attractive without masks.
  • Getting intoxicated in public again without your favorite recliner to cushion your fall.
  • Attending weddings of distant cousins who have joined extremist groups in the last 15 months.
  • Walking in large crowds and randomly encountering disturbing, foul odors.
  • Dealing with restaurant waitstaff who kneel down and try to touch noses with you while taking your order.
  • Remembering not to grimace at what people say because they can actually see your face again.

“It will soon be a whole new old world out there,” said Crispen. “And my group is aimed at helping residents regain their lost social skills with our radical reentry practice. For example, I recently forgot that when you enter a crowded elevator, you’re not supposed to face everyone. Instead, you’re supposed to turn around and stare at the door while pretending no one else is around you. How crazy is that?”

“Together,” Crispen added. “We’ll get through this.”

This article is satirical in nature and is solely intended for entertainment purposes.

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