Here is what most moms will say when you ask what they want for Mother’s Day: nothing big.
Maybe brunch. Sure yeah, a pedicure gift certificate. Whatever the family wants to do is fine.
Here is what most moms actually mean: please, for the love of all things holy, do not make me plan this.
Mother’s Day has become another holiday that moms manage. The reservation, the card situation, the whether-we’re-seeing-both-families logistics, the outfit for the toddler who will absolutely have a meltdown at brunch. By the time the day arrives, moms have already spent more energy on it than anyone else in the family. This is the part that needs to change.
The greatest gift you can give any mom in your life is to take the entire day out of her hands.
Not just the flowers or the brunch, the thinking. Do the work to figure out what she wants, plan it completely, and hand it to her finished. If you are unsure, ask her directly. Not “what do you want to do?” which will immediately send her mind to what works for everyone else. Ask her: “If this day were entirely yours, what would it look like?” Then listen and do that.
Moms, our job is to resist the urge to people please and be honest with what we really (really) want.
Answers will vary. Some moms want time with their people: a long brunch with friends where no one is cutting anyone else’s food, a workout class followed by coffee with a girlfriend she hasn’t seen in months, a weekend trip with the long-distance friends that never quite gets planned because life keeps intervening. Some moms want the opposite: time alone in their own home, the house quiet, no one needing anything, the freedom to veg out in their own space without managing a single other person’s experience of the day. Some want a night in a hotel, uninterrupted sleep, room service breakfast, nowhere to be and no agenda. Some moms want pampering: spa day, mani, pedi, the works. Some moms want a wish list item: a special bag they’ve been eyeing, a skincare product they’ve added to cart five times without buying. Some moms want a family fun day: homemade breakfast, quality time with the kiddos, cards with a nice heartfelt message. There is no wrong way to celebrate.
What moms don’t want is to spend their day feeling like an afterthought on a holiday that is technically all about us.
It is also worth saying that Mother’s Day is not a simple day for everyone. For those missing a mother or a mother figure, the brunch-and-church itinerary can feel more like something to survive rather than something to celebrate. For women still on their journey to becoming a mom or navigating loss along the way to building a family, the day can be emotional in ways that flowers can’t fix. If someone in your life falls into this category ask what they’re up for (or more importantly, what they don’t want to do) and make it easy for her to tell you the truth.
At the center of all of this is quite a simple premise: when we celebrate moms, we need to celebrate the woman behind the title. Not the family calendar manager, not the one who remembered to buy the gift for the grandmas, not the one who packed the diaper bag for her own celebration. The woman whose people are lucky enough to call her “Mom.”
Most of us wouldn’t trade the chaos of motherhood for anything. The sticky hands, the middle of the night wake ups that turn into panic-inducing middle of the night texts, the way they say our name approximately four hundred times before 9 a.m. We are deeply grateful for all of it. We just also deserve a day that’s truly ours. A day that feels like someone really thought about what we want.